#I probably shouldn’t attempt drawing on asks anymore xD

[rosebloodcat]

More Android Gordon Chatting

As previously stated, I really like Robot/Android AUs, and I tend to go pretty crazy with AUs in general when I come up with them. So here’s part 2 of my Android Gordon/DBH AU rambling over Discord with @lady-lampblack

RoseBloodCat: Random Android Gordo thought: He can't have a dick-slip because, as a Nanny/Housekeeping model, he has no dick.

Gordon is either on the edge of his seat or completely unaware of the Android Rights stuff going on in Detroit. It depends on when the Resonance Cascade happens. If it's before it then he'll probably be following it all on the news. But if it's during then he wouldn't know about it until after. Both could be interesting depending on which one is used.

If he's at Tommy's house when it's going on, he's probably hyper focused on what's going on and what the reactions of the humans are. And how the police/government are responding. Because that would be something he'd feel really strongly about as a Deviant-in-Hiding. He'd be anxious to know if he could legally be seen as a person, or if he had to continue his charade of being Tommy's housekeeper/pet sitter.

However, it happening at the same time as the Resonance Cascade could be super interesting/surprising too. Since he wouldn't know it had happened until he got out, and would have been blindsided by it all. He'd need to adjust to being freethinking for the first time in his life and actually being able to act on those thoughts and feelings without (major) repercussions.

It's like, do we give him the chance to adjust first? Let he learn how to deal with emotions and trauma first? Or do we have him speed-run his freedoms and emotions now that he isn't just another robot?

the gay (mango): I feel like him coming out of the rescas with the detroit riots happening while hes inside

I mean

A lot of bots are gonna have to break their programming with the aliens popping in everywhere unless the rescas is only centralized in black mesa

RoseBloodCat: True! Very true.

That would end up as a bit of a mix between the 2 options then, Gordon coming out of Black Mesa and being offered a place to stay with Tommy as the final clean-up from the Alien invasion is finished.

And then the news of the Android Freedom/Civil Rights movement appearing in Detroit and that tons of other androids had gone deviant under the stresses and couldn't just... Go back to the lives they'd had before.

Too much had happened to just sweep the fallout under the rug.

Plus, you know, there's possibility that Black Mesa's involvement got leaked so there's the fallout from that too, along with a good portion of them trying to cover up/refuse a thorough investigation into why it happened. Because shit like that can't happen without someone having to take responsibility.

Especially if it got out that they had used a Daycare Android in their Highly Dangerous alien testing. And that's not even getting into the trouble they'd find themselves in if the rest of their unethical science was discovered.

They might be able to partially cover/fix that by letting Tommy take Gordon as a Housekeeper, since they could then say that they'd "Gotten Rid" of the Android involved in the test. (Same idea as firing/relocating/dismissing a Scientist who'd screwed something up)

They'd probably try to avoid names too, just to further cover their asses.

the gay (mango): Not to mention the fact that the majority of the staff died from both aliens and government asses

RoseBloodCat: Ye

Pretty easy to cover up because of that tbh.

With most of the staff dead, it's pretty easy to just go "Unfortunately, most of the scientists and androids in charge of the tests that day were killed in the ensuing chaos from both the invasion and the military's attempts to fight back."

"Sadly, we may not be able to reopen or continue our work due to the losses suffered."

the gay (mango): So black mesa could claim the android involved didn't make it out

RoseBloodCat: Yeah, so long as they don't mention his name or android number, Gordon could get away (mostly) scott free.

the gay (mango): If someone asks for specifics black mesa can claim that records were lost and/or not recorded

RoseBloodCat: Yup.

I should draw Android Gordon sometime. Like, each version of him that would (possibly) be in the story/AU

Clean/Pre-test (in his uniform before the Testing shit), Post Test (Messed up clothes, possibly with Blood spatter) After Escape, (Clean Uniform, but now with accents that show he's not quite a normal Android anymore) and After Revolution (Where he's actually wearing normal clothes and is able to ditch his uniform)

the gay (mango): Does android lose his arm?

RoseBloodCat: I've been debating on that. Like It could be a good point to show that something is going haywire on the outside in regards to Androids, (or them just being dicks) Or they could not do that and just... Be awful.

the gay (mango): I mean androids are p looked down on in dbh even before the revolution

RoseBloodCat: Yeah...

the gay (mango): So soldiers beating up and dismembering a random black mesa android?  P in line w the universe

RoseBloodCat: Honestly? It really is. Black Mesa just seems like a magnet for assholes (with, like, a handful of exceptions) My brain is bouncing between Androids and Splatoon while I'm on shift. Plez send halp Or ideas. Whichever.

the gay (mango): I dont splatoon sorry

RoseBloodCat: Android thoughts are welcome too.

the gay (mango): What does coomer count as with his cyber limbs?

RoseBloodCat: Cyborg. Since he started out human and was augmented with tech.

the gay (mango): Fair But in a world of androids how is he viewed

RoseBloodCat: Probably as just... A human with fancy prosthetics.

the gay (mango): Fair What does bubby think of the annoying babysitter being an android?

RoseBloodCat: Not much at first. He knows Gordon's there to help with test, but probably thinks a human should be the one doing it an not the Nannybot from Daycare. But it's more from a professional stand point than a "I don't like Androids" one. Gordon doesn't have a degree in any field of research after all.

the gay (mango): Fair

RoseBloodCat: But it probably came off as that at first. When the test went kooky and he started out blaming Gordon for it. He was complaining about Gordon not doing it right and messing up the test, but he meant that it was because he wasn't educated for these things and not because he was an Android. But Gordon probably takes it to mean that. (That can be used for a comfort attempt from Bubby later, possible when someone points out that it sounded like Bubby hated androids or something.)

the gay (mango): Gordon juat feeling alienated cause bubby is an ass

RoseBloodCat: "I wasn't pissed because you were an Android, I was pissed because you weren't... Made to do this stuff? You're a fucking... Nanny, not a... Research bot..." Just- awkward comfort attempt.

The Flower (Lili): :') love that

the gay (mango): Bonding momence

RoseBloodCat: Coomer and Tommy probably also said something to the effect of "An android shouldn't do this test." Too, but they were so friendly at the same time that it hit differently. Bobby's an ass, but Gordon didn't really notice that he's like that for everyone not just him.

the gay (mango): whos bobby Gordon is a child handler, he takes everything personally

RoseBloodCat: XD (Also, auto correct is awful whenever I try to write these names.)

the gay (mango): Honestly that's part of why i banished my autocorrect to the shadow realm

RoseBloodCat: Lol

[hotheadhero]

🌈!

Recount a memory of when your muse first fell in love.

[ An eternity 22 days later orz

This might be more a first confession than a firs love moment per se, but still! Also, boy did this thing snowball. Cut because it’s very long XD possibly the longest thing I’ve posted here to date. ]

“Heh…I really got myself good there, didn’t I?”

“Hush,Caspar; you’re in no state to talk right now.”

Reluctantly,the man obeyed, relaxing comfortably yet not into Linhardt’s one-armed embrace.Perhaps he should get comfortable; this wound wasn’t one his friend could heal awayquickly; but a sharp pain in his side convinced him otherwise, stabbed him witha force too strong for mere memory; and with a stifled groan that sounded morelike a whimper, he simply fell straight back against the other’s arm.

Stabbed.By the point of his own axe, no less. Careless to take his eyes off it whiledisarmed, scrambling for another weapon like a fool instead of simply nailinghis foe in the unarmed solar plexus first with his equally unarmed hand.

TheCrest of Cethleann glowed faintly over the ravages of his upper abdominal wall,not quite hiding the mess that knit itself back together far too slowly underhis gaze. Caspar averted his eyes. All these years later, and he stillcouldn’t get used to the sight of white magic at work. Even seeing Huberteviscerating enemies on the battlefield wasn’t as gruesome as this somehow, andhe knew the cold organometallic bite of dark magic skittering up hisspine, knew the feel of the malevolent aura oozing off Those Who Slitheredin the Dark or that black, twisted fiend of his worst nightmares who turnedsoulless eyes on him from a chillingly familiar visage. Perhaps it was simplythat those scenes were more transient, more easily distanced; whereas lyinghere in their impromptu infirmary, entrails bared for all to see, he felt moreacutely his vulnerability, his helplessness. His mortality.

Linhardt’s mortality.

Casparknew full well how much Linhardt hated being on the front lines, hated drawingblood even in the most abject cases of self-defense. Back in their academydays, he’d been one of the first students to master Physic magic for that veryreason. That was why Caspar promised he’d fight on the front lines in hisstead, take every hit aimed Linhardt’s way so he didn’t have to. But now…

“You’rea real fool, you know that?” The fern-haired man’s words were accompanied witha long-suffering sigh. “You could have died, reopening that wound—and gettingstabbed in it again…”

“Sorry.”Caspar wanted to say more, but a hacking cough stole his words away. Something insidehis wound trembled with the effort, and his stomach roiled. It was all he coulddo to keep from retching. However many of his foes’ internal organs he saw whenhe laid his axe into them, he couldn’t stand seeing his own, or even lettinghis best friend see them. It shouldn’t bother him anymore; Linhardt probablyknew the internal lay of his body as well or better than he by now… but still.He knew how helpless it made others. Hated how helpless it made him.

Predictably,Linhardt noticed his flinch (how could he not when they were this close?), andhis eyes widened in concern. “Are you alright, Caspar?”

“Just…hurry up with that, would you? This can’t be any easier for you either.”

Atense but comfortable silence settled over the two as Linhardt worked his magicand Caspar forced back his momentary bile. A moment passed, and another, beforehe felt steady enough to look up again.

“Say,Linhardt. Why do you keep doing this?”

“Whateverdo you mean?” The warms pulses of light magic stilled for a moment as hisfriend looked at him, affronted.

“This.”He gestured vaguely at the scene beyond the tent. Far in the distance, shoutsstill echoed across the bloodstained plains, and mere meters from theirencampment lay shallow trenches filled with the newly deceased. “You hateblood. Hate fighting. I asked you once if you’d rather we ran away from it all.Just you and me, far from all this.” Inquisitive eyes dimmed as Caspar flickedhis gaze downwards away from Linhardt and promptly thought better of it. “Maybeit’d have been better that way,” he mumbled, so quietly it might as well havebeen to himself. “Then you wouldn’t have to force it on yourself if I got hurt…”

“You’renot forcing anything on me,” Linhardt protested. “I’ve been taking care of yousince we were children. Why would that change because of some silly war?”

Therobin-haired man immediately opened his mouth to protest, but Linhardt silencedhim with a squeeze to his shoulder. Reluctantly, Caspar subsided; but hisfriend didn’t seem inclined to respond, instead narrowing his eyes on hisabdominal wound, the fascia only now beginning to repair. He could only wait solong before trying again; but Linhardt anticipated this too and began talking,cutting off his response.

“Rememberwhen you promised you’d always fight right in front of me so I never had totake a blow myself?” he asked. His gaze did not move from the steady repairline advancing towards Caspar’s broken lower ribs, his voice taking on the sameairy quality it did when he was simply repeating his thoughts aloud. “Maybe Isimply found something equally worth protecting.”

“You…you did?” His voice dropped to an uncharacteristic (but still decently loud)whisper. Dare he hope that something was what he thought it was?

“Come,now. Are you really going to make me say it? It’s you.” Linhardt pausedin his efforts to trace a line down Caspar’s exposed sternum. “I can hardlyleave you to do all the hard work for me; and besides, you have so muchworth protecting. You’re optimistic; you’re honest; you’re hardworking; youalways lend me an ear or shoulder even if you’re not interested in everything Ihave to say or would rather be doing something else; you always know what to sayeven so…” A smirk. “And you’re always so good about getting me up in themorning and fired up, even when I least expect it. What’s not to like?”

Casparcould feel his ears turning red, and he wasn’t entirely sure if it was just theway Linhardt was touching his chest. Normally, he didn’t have a problem withit; sometimes these things were necessary for white magic to work; but he didn’tsee Linhardt’s crest anywhere between fingertips and skin, and this felt atouch more intimate than he was used to. But there was something more to it, aninternal heat of sorts…

Washe… reciprocating?

“B-But none of those require us to be here, in the thick of it all,” hehedged, in an attempt to distract himself. “You could have all that even if we’drun away. And besides, isn’t fighting this war keeping you from doing all thatnapping and researching you keep talking about?”

Linhardtsnorted, but the sound was gentle. “You’d never rest if you knew someone elsewas out there fighting for justice and you weren’t right there fighting at theirside.”

Andwherever you go, I’ll be right there with you, said the featherlighttouch of his fingers as he lifted them away. Always.

…If his cheeks weren’t red before, they certainly were now. Th eloquent smile onLinhardt’s face that said he knew exactly where his friend’s thoughts had gonedidn’t help matters at all.

“…Hoo boy,” he laughed feebly. “I dunno what I was expecting, but it certainlywasn’t that. Now I’m all flustered. Got all these emotions inside, and now Idon’t know what to do with them.”

Thefern-haired man laughed softly. “Just let them out, Caspar,” he advised simply.“Isn’t that what you always do, anyways?”

“Yeah,but—This isn’t the kind of thing you just spring on people, you know!All this time I’ve been waiting for you to say something, waiting for a perfectmoment to tell you, and I—!”

Abruptly,he fell silent, eyes wide, cheeks red and puffed like they had been when theywere children and Linhardt and caught him with his hand in the cookie jar inthe imperial pantry in Enbarr. It didn’t last long. “Isn’t this the point whereyou tell me to stop yelling or I’ll reopen my wound?” he demanded. Anything todistract him from the wild tumult of his thoughts right now.

“No—yourwound is mostly healed now, though you will have to be careful not getting thesame site injured again. There’s only so much scar tissue my magic can keepback. But I’m quite curious now: What is it you’ve been waiting so long to tellme, Caspar?”

Ilove you?Such tender words ill befit this bloody battlefield, this land of murder where words died beneath axe and lance. If Caspar had his way, he would sweep Linhardt off his feet and smite all their foeswith a single strike of the axe, would spirit them away from this horror andeven lay down his head on the executioner’s block if it meant Linhardt may livehappily. Actually, if he had his way off the battlefield, he would tellhim this over a fire-grilled feast of his own design, say the words whilst threadingupon his finger the symbol of his care. Linhardt was his best friend, but hewas so much more than that. His teacher, his adviser, the first to extend ahelping hand when he was most laid low. This and more he would pour out to himwhen the time was right; but now was not that time. But if not now, then when?The war was not yet won, the dream their leader sought not yet realized. Eitherone of them could die tomorrow; and if it was him, then Linhardt would neverhear for himself how much he meant to him. Besides, Linhardt was asking now—sowhy not say something now and spare them both the uncertainty? Even so,the words tangled on his tongue, foreign as the magical tenets the professorhad imposed on him during a week of Faith training… Caspar frowned. This reallyshouldn’t be so hard. Maybe if he focused on something else—

“Earthto Caspar? Are you there?” Linhardt was waving a hand in front of his face, hisown hovering mere inches away. “You’ve gone awfully quiet; what’s going on?”

“Wah!Linhardt! Ha- Have I ever told you you have really pretty eyelashes?”

“I—What?”The other man seemed taken aback, as he well should be. Not even Caspar knewwhere those words had come from. He’d tried to flinch away from him in embarrassment,but his efforts were in vain; his friend held him too fast. (He’d always beenthe one to hold him back from some ill-advised fight back then…)

Theyhung like this for several moments, Linhardt’s wide teal eyes reflected inCaspar’s robin blues, before Linhardt sighed again; but his sigh was one of bemusementnot exasperation, and a faint blush colored his cheeks, no less red than Caspar’sown. “You’ve been thinking too hard,” he remarked. “Your brain must haveshort-circuited. We’ll pick this up another time.” Slipping his leg out from underhis friend, he stood and stretched. “Make sure to sweep me off my feet when wedo, Caspar,” he advised. “I’ll be waiting.”

Ashe walked away, Caspar could only stare after him, flabbergasted. How didLinhardt always manage to read his mind like that? He traced the path Linhardt’sfingers had taken on his skin, a remembering flush tinging his cheeks eventhough the other had already departed. He curled his fingers into a fist, rightover the heart Linhardt had mended, so close to where his enemy’s stolen axehad gotten him that day.

Ipromise, Linhardt. And when the time comes, I’ll tell you everything.

[carey-pricemas]

Moving Part Two- Leon Draisaitl (by anon)

Ok so I’m really sorry!!! I lost track of time by doing homework!!! But here’s part two!!! And I might finally get something finished tonight! (I really hate not being in a routine!) But anyway enjoy!!! Imma go finish homework then try and write!!!

Warning: None!

~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/

“What’s pretty girl like you doing alone at bar?” asked a voice colored with alcohol.

You were sure you had already heard it somewhere before. You turn your head, actually curious as to who decided to disturb you at your lonely spot.

“William?!” you screamed from surprise, almost falling from the chair.

“I wouldn’t expect you here…” he murmurs. You were kinda amazed he remembers you as you met him a long time ago and he was more focused on Leon than you.

“Oh you don’t know? I moved to Toronto. I got a job here and there wasn’t much holding me in Edmonton so here I am. Ready to conquer!” While you were talking, Willy takes a seat next to you, laughing at your excitement. You weren’t even sure where it was from. Suddenly everything was so easy.

“You should have told me! I would have shown you around the city! And wait, you don’t know anyone here right? Well I’m here with some of my teammates… Time to get to know some people!” And before you can protest, Willy is dragging you to the other side of the club, but it’s actually fine. You need new people, a new start, and someone other to think about…

The music is once again too loud, lights flashing too quickly. You wondered how many pointless nights you wasted at places like this. Instead you could enjoy a cup of tea or a late night walk, but by that time it’s already gone. It’s fascinating how much you sacrificed for someone who probably didn’t even noticed.

“Hey you alright there?”

“Just- kinda nervous,” you quickly answered with small lie, hoping William was not gonna dig deeper.

“You managed to tame Leon, girl! You have nothing to worry about, they are gonna love you.” Oh if he only knows. It’s good he doesn’t though, as you left that in Edmonton, and were not planning on coming back for it.

Then you came to table full of guys all flashing you smiles, but none can oppose brightness of Leon’s.

Fucking hockey guys…

•~•~•~•~•~•

Loud noise is echoing through your apartment and you pray to all the gods that it’s not Leon calling you in the middle of night. However faith is not merciful. So you just answer the damn phone, too tired to care.

“I’m so glad you’re awake,” he breathes, voice full of liquor. You can barely hear him over the loud music.

“Leon I haven’t heard from you since my last night in Edmonton. Seriously go fuck yourself,” you spit into phone, wanting nothing else but getting him out of your system.

“Please lis-” he sounds desperate and if you were still in Edmonton, you would already be on your way.

But you’re in Toronto. The boys invited you to their game tomorrow and you were going on a date, so there’s no point in that anymore. Leon will get it sooner or later. He cares only because you’re gone now anyways. It’s just matter of time before he perplexes the head of another girl, forgetting all about you.

And maybe that still hurts a bit.

“Bye Leon,” you whisper softly before hanging up.

•~•~•~•~•~•

“Mo! Mo! Hold on! You aren’t listening me!” you are screaming through laughter. You tripped over your own feet, but instead of landing on ice, there’s something firm and warm.

“So you can’t skate?” he asked with grin pulling at his lips, trying hold in laughter.

“Never had a chance to learn,” you answered, not looking at him, too ashamed.

“Really? The guys from Edmonton never made the time? Well we gotta fix that.” You doubt they even know you can’t skate. Except they all know. You once asked Leon to teach you but he never made time.

Before you have time to regret most of your decisions, you were dragged to the other side of the ice.

And for a moment you forgot about everything.

“Hey you two! Smile for me!” Willy screams, taking a couple of photos of you.

“What are you going to do with them?” you scream back on him.

“Oh you’ll see.” He grinned at you before skating even farther from you. You stop leaning back on Morgan and start to slowly skate to Willy. You didn’t have illusions about catching him but you can at least try. Even though your version of trying was mostly about not letting your legs part too far away from each other. You really don’t wanna fall.

It was no surprise Willy give up after some time skating closer to you but never so close for you to catch him.

“If you skate from one end of ice to another without falling, I’ll tell you to who I sent it to,” he teased. You thought about his offer for bit. He didn’t gave you time limit and you were really curious. So why not? You can try.

“Okay but you gotta take me to the start,” you smiled at him and to your surprise, he dragged you across the ice and somehow managed to stop you at line behind net, without falling. Others notice something is up and skate closer to you, giving you some space.

“Ready! Steady! Go!” Willy yelled and you hustle with one of your legs moving a bit.

No stress. You don’t have to rush. Stay calm. Hustle one leg and let physics do it for you, and then the other. Oh wait! Your legs are falling apart, crap! Close ‘em! You don’t wanna fall! That’s better. Why is everyone standing and watching you. Is that a phone in Willy’s hands? Hell, now you definitely can’t fall. Stupid legs at it again. And those idiots can shoot at the same time. Crazy, they’re all crazy!

You eventually gain speed and get across the ice, just for you to discover that you don’t know how to stop and crash into the glass, landing straight on the ice.

You just laughed for solid five minutes on your back. Poor attempts of boys trying to get you back on your skates didn’t help much as they were laughing as well.

“I sent it to Leon,” Willy suddenly tells you when you were taking off the skates.

And world lost sense once again.

You’d rather not check your phone for some time…

•~•~•~•~•

Last rays of sunshine in the sky, clouds can’t even stop them. The whole city blooms from them, reflecting and twisting them but they still glow and amaze.

You were sitting at your window, warm tea in your hands, admiring the beauty of the city which slowly sinks into night. Shadows were growing and your tea was getting colder and colder. However, even with the last ray of sunshine, light didn’t disappear and people didn’t stop living their lives. They still have somewhere to go, somewhere to be.

And this time when you hear ringing, you didn’t decline.

“You always wanted me to teach you skate,” a soft voice echoes from phone. This time he’s sober.

“And you never made time. I can’t wait for forever,” you answer, also in hushed tone.

“You shouldn’t…,” he said even lower than before. Heavy silence surrounded you. Not even your breathing can break it.

“Leon? Are you there?” you ask when the silence was taking too long.

“Yeah… we- we must make it to the playoffs and then we’re gonna play in Toronto… And- and we’re gonna have a talk about all of this.”

“Or maybe I get a business trip to Edmonton… Let’s say next month. You make time and we talk.”

“W-what?”

“I’ll call you when I make it into Edmonton. Bye Leon.” Without waiting for his answer you hang up.

And maybe your breathing didn’t hitch this time.

•~•~•~•~•~•

First thing you did when you saw him was hug him. Surprising not only him, but you as well. Then you both sit, looking at each other, nobody brave enough to speak first.

“I’m stupid,” Leon finally breathes out.

“We both are,” you reply quickly not wanting him to blame it all on himself.

“If only I made up my mind sooner… We lost so much time and now… You’re in Toronto.” You link your hand with his, drawing small circles on his palm, trying to calm him.

And then it hit you.

“We are both miserable. And our friendship? Hell. We never worked. We just weren’t mean to be together… I guess. We would probably kill each other. Heh. Just imagine it.”

“Yeah… but we could at least try.”

“That chance was there two years ago. Now I’m in Toronto. It’s too late.”

“Yeah… We both are kinda busy.”

And sadness in his eyes breaks you a little bit.

“Leon look at me,” you said softly taking your other hand and lifting up his head, staring right into his soul.

“We can’t date. Not only because of our current locations but also because as I said, we would destroy each other. We both know that, we both managed to do that already. However we can make right at least our friendship. We never were good friends but that can change now. Please, please be my friend?” You look at him. Hoping that he wasn’t gonna reject you.

“We can try to make this right at least.” His voice was strong once again and smile broke on your lips, matching his.

And you laugh a lot that night.

And you wore his jersey when you watched him play.

And maybe it wasn’t perfect but for the first time, everything was alright.

~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/

So we don’t get the happily ever after but I really enjoy that there was like an ending at least! So let me know what you thought and give it up for our anon! English is not their first language but they managed to give us two parts! Up next: I’m going to finish this Nate Schmidt one even if it kills me!

Fun Fact: Our anon didn’t know the word hustle existed until writing this but it’s now their favorite word! XD

[sanguinesprout]

The sky is a beautiful blue today~ (Some updates, nicer things, random snippets of memories and why I write about weather so much lol)

I was thinking maybe I should write about something lighter, like the things I did recently, in particular the good things, my small triumphs and such c: 

I’ve spent a lot more time out with my sister (and sometimes her bf and my mum) recently, especially in the case of going shopping~! I bought quite a lot of nice tops with interesting and motivating text based designs on them (maybe I’ll photograph them sometime), and some of them were on sale too yay! :3 Usually I try and avoid going out too many times in a row or when I don’t feel mentally prepared beforehand but I went and it was alright! Though some of the times I had no choice as I had a doctors appointment, but instead of just going home I went to the shops or the supermarket afterwards and had a nice long browse around~ 

I used to remember a long long time ago when I was younger I really did not enjoy shopping and would always constantly be asking when we could go home lol but now it’s pretty fun (apart from the fact I’m actually really poor). Also a long time ago I would trail around after my sis or whoever, but now I go off on my own and look at whatever I feel but sometimes my sis trails after me instead lol and likes to moan about me looking at things too slowly quite a lot. It makes me anxious but I told her about it so she does it less or I’ll tell her to go look at something else, cause I like taking my sweet time yo >3< I don’t mean like I only started doing this recently haha, but it did take quite a few years before I felt confident enough to go around on my own and actually enjoy it. I would go shopping completely on my own and take public transport after college and uni sometimes and such, I feel I’ve kind of taken a step back since then but I’m not back at square one at least I guess, it’s something!

I still feel awkward and anxious when people are blocking the way of an aisle or when they’re looking at the same rack of stuff, but I’m gonna try and push these feelings aside, be more assertive and so and so. There were also times where certain unusual situations were kind of traumatic for me and maybe I’ll write or draw about them sometime, but they’re not important and I shouldn’t keep thinking back on them and feeling hurt. I still sometimes get that ‘lost kid that has to look down every aisle and worries everyone already paid and left’ feeling after wandering around when I go to the supermarket with my parents lol, because they are all about being quick so they can go home and get ready for work and stuff, but having a phone now unlike when I was a kid and didn’t have one makes everything suck much less hah take that!

Anyways, back to the present! The weather has been pretty flip floppy lately, on some few random days the weather was real hot and some super rainy and cold and some calm and neutral, like today. I really love when it spontaneously rains so hard and immediately after the sky is such a wonderful clear blue, I feel it’s analogous to when you have are suddenly overcome with negative emotions and once they pass you feel at ease and can think with clarity again aka. the calm after the storm. I really like the weather and making weird metaphors about it as you could probably tell already lolol. The weather is just something that’s always there, something that affects mood but is also so moody itself, something everyone experiences and uses for small talk and something so mundane but also wonderful and unpredictable (unless you look at the forecast everyday, I mean it’s real easy to check on the phone widget but I don’t haha, as much as I talk about it I don’t worship the weather channel or anything lol) ^^ 

Oh also in relation to this, when I said I was going to write this blog a bit more like a diary, it made me think of a time when I was little and my mum bought me a diary book. It was a simple Winnie the Pooh diary with a gold lock and guess what I wrote in it hahahaha I wrote in huge writing on each page a 3-4 word sentence of how the weather was that day LOL It was super wasteful and my sis and mum were like what even?! XD I’ve had lots of diaries since then and lots of attempts at writing about actual things but I’ve never been able to keep it up past a few days. I just hope this blog doesn’t die out like my past diaries or become a brief weather description collection either hahaha. Today’s post title is kinda like a tribute or slightly more advanced version of my kiddie diary x3

Okay enough about that lol! One of the days recently I went to the park~! I did say I wanted to go and my sister suggested it. It was some time in the afternoon on a weekday so it wasn’t to busy. It was pleasant and refreshing to go walkies sine I hadn’t gone there for a while, even though I really really hate all kinds of bugs (and things that have bugs in them, like trees) and shriek and flail at their presence lol. I saw some pretty flowers, sat on the see saw with my sis briefly (which I was nervous about cuz there were kids around and well I’m not a kid anymore *sob* but I will always be a kid at heart and so will my sis, so I did it anyways! Yolo, gotta sit my but on all the things next time XD). I also saw the duckies! Or well I think they were actually geese but they were so pretty and derpy and their little floofy babies omg! ;w; Soooo cute!! I definitely want to go see them again sometime :D I’ve come to kind of dislike zoos (and aquariums too) because I feel so bad seeing some of them so distressed looking and it feels unfair that they have to live in such a contained and artificial space without choice, but when there’s wildlife living free like the duckies in the lake, it’s just such a pleasant thing to witness.

Oh also some good today was I cooked my own breakfast...kinda... It was just a fried egg with tuna in it pretty much and there was rice too (made in a rice cooker not by me lol) but I cooked the egg part! It takes so much convincing for me to be able to do just this. My mum and dad don’t like me hanging around the kitchen because ‘you’re too slow’ and ‘you’ll make a mess’ etc. I know they keep babying me and want things to go smoothly their way... but it needs to change! I don’t want to be dependant forever :c I was persistent this time and I’m glad! :D And I also suggested that maybe everyday I could maybe learn something new from them, whether it be just some small technique or a recipe or whatever. I am lacking in well... life skills because I was never taught or allowed to do certain things, like cooking for example. I can make something easy like instant ramen or pasta, but they usually handle all meals and don’t let me experiment or cook for reals. The only thing they really trust me with is making tea and sandwiches and the only time I cooked something from a recipe was cooking class at school a long time ago lol. Sometimes I help my sister bake stuff, but they get annoyed at her too for being in the way and stuff, but she isn’t a weak spirited person like me so she just carries on haha.

I can watch video tutorials all I want but it’ll never be useful without actual execution and practice, you know! >< My dad is a chef and is particularly prideful of his cooking, and also quick to insult and get annoyed for small mistakes, so it’s gonna be tough but I’m gonna try anyways! Lately I’ve been trying harder to just chat and bond with my dad more, we watch drama/animation series together at supper which is nice~! (Even though he feigns reluctance to watch and that he’s interested sometimes lol). Conversation is particularly hard because of the language barrier, but if I make the conversation about learning language like I did the other day and maybe now even about learning cooking stuff, then maybe things will go at a much better pace :D 

I also drew some things I was kind of happy about lately, and didn’t give up on trying to interact online even though I really wanted to! I need to get my stuff organised and start posting stuff! I feel like the longer I leave it, the less it’s making me wanna do it, stop it perfection, you’re unnecessary! x^x I really hate having an empty account, it makes me feel like a creep (like on youtube it’s okay but on other places it’s unusual, right?) ;^; Something I keep forgetting is that there is no rules and no obligations for me (or anyone else) to do anything or feel anything. There’s no right or wrong, silly self! I need to stop worrying so much and just go for it! Yolo the hell out of everything (maybe that’s not quite the right phrase lol) and just stop falling into the paralysis by analysis trap! X3 Imma try harder! ò^ó

Uh uhhh before I end this, I have some update-y stuff on my therapy situation... I have my first appointment tomorrow! I’m so nervous!! xAx The funny thing though (or well, not really), is that when my doctor was giving me options on who to see, I could either go for the general therapist who works in the same facility or to go for the referral service for a more specific recommendation. I opted for the second in hope that I could see someone with a specialism in idk... AVPD or personality disorders (if there is a such thing), but it seems I’ve ended up going full circle and ending up getting recommended to the general therapist back here >< I mean, at least it’s convenient and better than nothing I suppose... Anyways, I don’t know how it’ll go so I shouldn’t make any assumptions or have any wild expectations. I can do this! It’ll be okay! I’m glad I got a female therapist, because I get even more nervous around guys and the one I had in the past was ahhh idk... maybe I’ll write about it with whatever I write about after the app tomorrow. I just hope it goes well! 

Don’t give up! You can do it! Have a nice day~! :3